Whine (it) up
Circa 2017-2018
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Different ballet schools are distinctive. I spent my first few years in adult ballet at a school where we were never allowed to talk, chew gum or bring drinks in (including water) and if you were late you were locked out. During center and traveling combinations, the other adult students would physically shove you out of their way so they could go before you. I never understood this and always found it rather odd, but it never failed. If you got comfortable and were working up the nerve to go across the floor and counting down the beat for your turn 5, 6, 7, 8……. boom…someone would appear who noticed you hesitated and immediately cut you off and go in your place. So it’s been a shocking adjustment to be in another city where you actually can go in whatever group you want (most of the time) for center work and no one will shove you out of the way (most of the time) .
Yesterday at beginning ballet, the center combination was difficult. The space is rather small so it’s hard to go across the floor in a group because there are two beams in the center and really, no room to move and I always end up shoved right alongside the barres for pirouettes thinking of the movie Million Dollar Baby and a cracked spine, or… I end up so frustrated because someone is breathing down my neck (literally, in this case) so I can’t turn at all without hitting them nearly in the face OR… I end up shoved into the front mirrors with no room to tombe pas de bourreé after two sets of sauté chasses. And for some reason, a lady in my class who has decided she is the best and puts herself first and at the front and won’t move or trade out, is driving me insane because she’s so slow and I can’t MOVE across the floor behind her. So I end up dreaming of knocking her over all of class. I know, right?! I can’t believe I’m writing that but it’s true! I blame my old ballet studio.
So, I clearly cannot freely move because I’m a bit longer limbed, but she ignores this and her and another girl keep pushing me back to the back of our trio. And no matter how much I let them (room wise) go ahead I always end up nearly running them over. And yes, I COULD REASONABLY take smaller, more correct, technical steps like a wise dancer would do, but for some reason, I always forget this when it’s my turn and travel in large leaps and bounds and end up frustrated when behind “slower” or “newer” students.
But fortuitously, a lady behind me asked to leave class early due to some previous injury and I step back like “Finally, I can go in a group of two!” So I step backwards to go with the other person in class who is left partnerless and here comes…(well let’s call them Myrtha; it’s a famous antagonist name from a famous ballet) here comes Myrtha saying “Oh I guess I’ll go with her now” and moves me out of my spot and I know they did this because they wanted to go with a “better” person than the two of us in the original trio. So I roll my eyes and step to the front and as soon as the music comes on, I don’t know what comes over me but it’s as if, all of a sudden, I know the entire combination and moveeeeee across the floor and practically fly out of the studio door. One mental block removed, created so much freedom and I could finally moveeeeee.
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Groceries or the Symphony? Which one will feed my soul more? My knee is throbbing from overtaxing it in ballet and massage.
A little mascara. A little nude lipstick. The fancy ballet school smells like dirty socks, always. There are NO children here today which means solace! Listening to hip-hop before class in my emerald green, fur-lined jacket makes me feel a bit less uptight then everyone else here.
I was nearly the worst in class, and it was so freaking advanced that I almost had a nervous breakdown but I kept going and I wanted to die on this inside. If you have read my previous posts, you know how RED IN THE FACE I get when the class advances beyond my comprehension. I sometimes, awkwardly laugh…which the fancy ballet school teachers LOATHE and if I laugh I’m asked sternly to go to the back of the line. Will I ever not be the WORST in class at the fancy ballet school?
We also did advanced footwork: I haven’t done frappe, battement (double battement) Ron de jamb arms all in soooooo longggggggggg and petite allegro. Maybe like 2-3 years? It’s the Achilles heel of taking too many ballet teachers with too many techniques. Sometimes, you never see a move for months to years if you happen to miss the month or week they go over it.
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If you were to tell me I would be 34 years old in a musical theatre class last year (or any year as a matter of fact) I would have told you that YOU are out of your minnnnnd.
But here I was, standing in front of a mirror in my black leotard and tights, trying to embody a “bullied” character with an overly charismatic Broadway dance teacher and a bunch of misfit adults, soul searching for…who knows what. I couldn’t take it serious for five seconds as the teacher cued up the song This Is Me from The Greatest Showman soundtrack and I burst out laughing when it was my turn. *Eek!* This class is supposed to help with our character work when dancing, learning different movement to music besides classical and “breaking us out of our shells” to become better dancers.
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Another day at bougie ballet school adult classes where all the kids are bounding around perfectly and the adult dancers wait around awkwardly for class to start, and we will never know the perfect form or how to dance nearly as good as them...ever. I asked about intermediate classes at the front desk and they informed me “they have THE BEST teachers around with extensive experience” in their manic, uptight tone everyone always speaks in at that place and I said “...So can I try them out and if I can’t hang, they won’t kick me out, right?” She briefly looked appalled and said, “Give them all a try and find a teacher you like and stick with them.”
Ballets to watch: The Specter Del le Rose
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Intermediate ballet at hob-snob-school-esquire, I was feeling a bit out of sorts, nauseous..so much so that I almost got sick on the bus and walking to the studio. But I made it out in one piece, and in a haze. Class was well over my head. We did some moves I had never heard of or done in my life. I was only a little embarrassed instead of extremely embarrassed like I used to be. The petite allegro was way beyond my comprehension:
A chappe, pas de bourree, glissade, assemble, glissade, jete, jete, changement, sous sous and so on, bounding on and on for just one side!
I did feel quite pale during class and the teacher is so insanely stern that going across center I could feel myself vulnerable under her sharp gaze. She only helped the students that were her “regulars” (I don’t blame her; I would be the same way)
Grande Allegro center was hard, traveling was even more difficult. I kept trying to envision not swallowing my vomit in case there was an emergency.
I was so shaky from not eating and being dehydrated that after class, my stomach started to roll again. I grabbed a breakfast tea and just sat for an hour, trying to relax my body.
I had to put meditation music on the bus ride back because my stomach was still upset. I was majorly delirious from the cupping massage treatment I had the day prior, that I wondered when it was going to ever end.
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I had a lot of life changes happening. Looking for a job (again) and a roommate (again) and not knowing when I was going to get/start either one and thinking of going to the boat again and growing envious of most wealthy West coast people.
Finally feel better today. I can eat and drink and wear perfume without feeling grossed out. Going to ballet to a closer studio tonight.
12/18
Myrtha. The cringe worthy student whom I’m trying to find ways to not let bother me. But alas, I cannot. They always shove in front of everyone during and center and it drives me bonkers. They always have to talk about their great ideas and tips to other students (and interrupts the teacher, which I find to be the biggest ballet offense on the planet). They push other people out of the way, they brag about how many classes they take and gives a full review on every teacher afterwards. It’s just……*eye roll*
While I’m on the subject of frustrating, these are the things that are annoying…I mean “challenging” about ballet, as an adult:
That I will never have the right and correct technique of a child that was trained. There is no logical way for an adult to fully learn the correct technique while working full time or part time. It's not even remotely enough time or training.
That I have worn large holes into all of my ballet flats that I can hardly bring myself to wear them in class sometimes because the quality is affecting my movement and concentration in class. But I must save money to pay for classes over buying new shoes.
When a former professional or semi- professional dancer comes back to class and unintentionally makes me feel inadequate. Then they inevitably always say something about how "out of dance shape" they are or how fat they are when clearly, they are the thinnest person in class.
How I beat myself up once a month about my body in dance, when honestly, I am comfortable in my own skin truly, for the first time in my life.
*****
Damn Myrtha was blocking my way again in ballet class this morning. Also, there was a new girl I know the teacher made me go with her all barre and center and I swear she did it just because it would irk me.
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First week back in salsa and it was fun, and I led the “demo” at the end of class with this extremely muscular guy who grabbed my hand confidently (hey, I'm not complaining) and I didn’t make a mistake as the entire class was watching us.
Also this other guy was trying so hard to correct my feet while the teacher was talking and also trying to correct everything about my posture and I thought for a second oh maybe he's in intermediate and is trying to help me out and then the music started and he didn’t even know the right moves!! Turns out, he's just a control freak. Ahhhh. The worst to dance with.
Week two of salsa. The steps are more intricate. I must practice in my own time I think to myself. The same control freak annoying guy from last week slams my hand down when I don't drop it right on "three," (just FYI for all of you out there in beginner salsa, you NEVER touch the lady like THAT) appalled I fake smiled for the rest of the ten seconds I had to dance the combination with him. The other “leads” in class range from super beginning to intermediate. They are mostly awkward IT nerds, but I'll hand it to the one guy in my class that can MOVE HIS HIPS, and I always get a bit red in the face when dancing with him. I said it once, and I'll say it a million times "You NEVER know who has the rhythm within." Also must work on sassy booty rolls in the privacy of my apartment. My one beneficial correction this week, (from said intermediate hip moving student) was to drop the weight in my arms so they are "heavy" and when doing back breaks, to let them push off your hand by pushing back. He said you will feel them want to do a back break by the subtle windup.
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I’m watching the maybe seven - ten year old ballet class and realizing my adult class is on the exact same level as them. 😭
I spent (an unexpected) two months on a hiatus from ballet:
One because I had an injured toe that would NOT heal. It was my big toe and every time I did a rond de jamb or tendu to the back, I would DIE. It would get better for a few days but never fully heal.
Two because I couldn’t afford it.
Three because I had to work 7 days a week.
So during this hiatus I liked to feel sorry for myself a lot and think about how much I was missing in ballet because I wasn’t getting any better.
But thanks to this break, my foot nearly fully healed with my toe feeling almost somewhat back to normal.
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Ballet notes from six years ago, nothing has changed:
Pulling core together
Not leaning back
Up and over with body weight
Making moves longer-more elasticity/power/stretch
Arms in second-high med low
Hold back shoulders when cambre over and not releasing or shrugging
Following hands/also carving
Round higher arms for pirouette
Hit glissade faster and with both legs extended out
When in passé, let hip drop down and tuck tailbone “heavy tailbone”, lift up not push up leg in passé
Open/drop back leg in croisse deirerre
Bring arms more forward for first arabesque
BREATHE, feel the music, articulate through shoulders/collar bone
Stand over big toe for sur le cu-de-pied balance on standing leg
Hold arms up from back
Coming from second to fifth push from under your leg and don’t lock it, go more forward to present your entire leg
Balance releve passé drop tuck , forward and over standing leg, don’t splay ribs
Oh yeah, and have fun!