I Hope You Dance
trigger warning: for anyone struggling with past or present self-image issues, this post talks about eating issues and body image issues.
I have spent a lot of money in the past five years on my health. From acupuncture, naturopathic healing, chiropractic work, fitness-club memberships, dance classes, supplements, counseling, healthy groceries, massage, dentistry, orthodontics and reflexology. Full disclosure, I have never had a dual-income household (EVER) or children. I don’t know if it’s easier or harder to exist as a single adult or not, but I know it’s not easy for most anyone, regardless of your life scenario. I also have worked in a physically demanding job and I prioritize my own health over “putting away” physical wealth. I know, I know, I know. But I knew I wouldn’t make it much farther in life with my own body and health, watching friends and acquaintances battle with illness, mental-health issues, death and other unexpected, expensive medical issues.
I have been pretty demanding on my body my entire life. From partying in my twenties, to arduous manual-labor long-term jobs. To being sleep deprived most of my entire life and submitting my body to extensive hours of dance when I wasn’t well rested. I have also ran most of my life, outdoor running to be specific, but it also never ever made me as thin as I desired.
My most frequent thought in my life has always dwelled around if I was “thin enough.”
These issues for me stemmed from un-supportive comments from men, friends, family and other figures in my life. I cannot tell you how many countless years I have spent ruminating if I was thin enough or if I had “x”, x being whatever the current trend is. Right now, a huge-fake butt has obsessively taken over most of my thoughts for the past few years. I live in a city where people are shelling out the cash for these trends. The BBL or injections. Constant squats-only at the gym. Using filters on social media to distort the truth. All of these ridiculous obsessions leave everyone wondering if how they look is okay. In my early twenties, it was the opposite. I wanted no figure whatsoever because no one had one. It was the trend.
Not to mention, the extra pressure for women nowadays to get eyelash extensions, Botox, injections, bleaching, implants, veneers etc. etc. It seriously is exhausting.
I had an unfortunately-long stint with an eating disorder in my twenties. No one ever knew. Like no one. I just couldn’t figure out how to stay thin. And trust me, it DIDN’T work. They only thing it did was give me anxiety from hell, made me view food in an extremely unhealthy manner not to mention change how my body absorbed nutrients. My hair fell out and it cost thousands upon thousands of dollars in counseling and other medical costs. I had learned how to not be healthy despite wanting to be healthy so much. The irony. The worst side effect, was for certain, the low-self-worth. It was a nightmare I wish I could take back.
Finally, one fine morning, I woke up and decided to change. I went to therapy. I stopped dating horrible men who never had anything positive to say about my looks. I stopped going to dance when I wasn’t well rested and decided that I needed to take my passion for dance more serious.
I can say ballet is 100% responsible for beginning this positive change. It caused me to view our bodies , and my body, in an athletic way and to appreciate it for all its glory by being surrounded by other athletes. I saw other people come to class confident, despite us all being half-naked and wearing leotards. This paved the way for me to understand that you can be confident even when doing a wobbly, semi-nude plie in a front of a group of strangers. My sweet teachers taught us all about healthy eating, showed us other athletes, had us study dance in our free time and were hilariously encouraging. I will be forever grateful for our wonderful and positive dance teachers.
If you have previously read my blog you now know I now spend all of my days either resting from working out, crying in a hot bath due to muscle fatigue from rehearsals, at the gym every other day, or at a dance class and/or work for the rest of the week.
One thing I want everyone to know is: the struggle is real. The ideals of body image have shifted drastically in the past thirty years, not to mention the past hundreds of years. If you’re struggling with feeling fulfilled, I hear you. It isn’t easy and can easily be self-absorbing to get stuck in cyclical, negative thoughts.
I have my personal flaws I still like to stare at:The droopy right eye-lid, gray hair (gasp), the skin issues I’ve always struggled with and hate revealing in dance class, the boobs, the lack of upper arm muscle, the…everything. It’s never good enough…in my eyes. Or seems like that sometimes. If people make a negative body comment, I have to fight back my past thoughts of struggling with negative thoughts that can put me in an insecure spot for a few days. I have changed how I view and value what other people say that isn’t supportive. Always not always instinctive, I still get triggered. However, now I know what health looks and feels like, and to achieve this it’s even a battle, as some of you might know.
I want to perpetuate the movement of abolishing the stigma of women and fitness. Just because someone appears healthy, like I may have at times, didn’t mean I was healthy.
I now will tell you I spend most of my free time in a fitness environment, with ALL AGES, all levels of competitive fitness junkies and all walks of life and everyone is not how you imagine. We all are into the same thing and appear totally different to the outside world. I have seen bodybuilders 100lbs to pure muscle of 250 + lbs and can out-lift everyone in the room, including being able to out-lift the super muscular, fit people. I have seen runners of all walks of life, swimmers of all shapes and sizes and boxers blow me away by appearing to be just your average person walking in from the street.
I have seen ballet dancers of all sizes, heights and shapes. Everyone has an idea in their head about how ballet dancers look but trust me, you wouldn’t know if one was sitting next to you. I used to wait on a group of famous dancers in another city at a restaurant, and unless you would have told me, I would have never known. They are all ages and sizes. Once the clothes off and they are in dance wear, sure, you can obviously tell who might dance, but not always. Some of the most breath-taking dancers I have ever danced with came into a random open class, stole the show by being nonchalant about it and I would never see them again. Legends. All of them. Old, young, skinny, tall, robust, muscular. Were they a former dancer? I would never know. They would disappear as fast as they appeared. I literally LIVE for these moments.
I am tired of the stigma of athleticism correlating with how you think someone appears. I also have seen 8-packed people lead unhealthy lifestyles and continue perpetuating the lie of being mentally unhealthy while appearing physically healthy.
But the good news is, there is always change. I think certain ballet teachers and choreographers reputations really did a damaging number on the ballet world, but we can always undo what is considered desirable. We can lift each other up, encourage others and compliment strangers. One of my favorite humans to date is this 80-year-old man named Smitty who walks around the gym and gives people the thumbs up. Everyday. Or he says “Glad to see you.” Seriously. This guy is not employed at the gym. He is an angel.
I found my inner-beauty in the dance world, which enabled me to conquer some of my innermost, private demons. All of the money I’ve saved for my inner health and well being was worth every penny and I encourage anyone to do the same who is scared to take the leap. I promise it’s never as scary as you initially thought and becomes enlightening and easier as time goes on.
If you ever needed a sign, this is it. You are enough, despite how you feel in this moment. If you are in a tough spot, things will get easier. There are so many positive athletes out there—thank goodness— that are generously encouraging and are blazing the trail for positive self-image. May they continue to spread their contagious attitudes globally to inspire others.
I encourage everyone to try a dance class at least once in their life. You never know where it will take you. :)